Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

I had a panic attack in the car the other day.  This wasn’t the first time.

It was from recalling how I felt when the hospital took him away to the nursery and also the midwife who was looking after him kissing him in the face.

I sobbed.

The image of the midwife kissing my newborn kept playing in my head.  Over and over again.  The same midwife who wouldn’t let me breastfeed my newborn and wouldn’t feed him the colostrum I’d expressed.

I kept recalling the fear of having him taken away when I was sleeping.

Both these incidents kept replaying.

5 months down the track, I feel a certain disconnect from my baby.  I love him with all my heart but somehow I feel not as bonded with him as I should be.

The combination of not being able to birth him naturally and not able to breastfeed may be contributing to the way I feel.  I feel he is more bonded with his daddy than with me.  I feel like nothing more than an incubator and a nanny.

I feel sad and broken.

Stranger, this mama says you’re too close for comfort (Alt. title: Back off lady! Your screaming ovaries are frightening my child)

So we went to catch up with an old friend we haven’t seen in a long time.  This is the first time he’s meeting the baby.

He was already at the pub and when we arrived, we were shown to where he was sitting by a very overly enthusiastic manager.  She immediately zoned in onto the baby.  Without asking, she started touching him, hooking his little fingers with her hands and touching his face.  I was horrified. She kept coming back to our table to look at the baby.

“I’m extremely clucky.”, she informed us.

Me, being the crazy hygiene crazy mother that I am dabbed a serviette with the water on the table and wiped his hands and face.  Baby puts his hands in his mouth all the time.  You can imagine what went through my head.

He was getting sleepy and needing a feed.  So my partner started feeding him.  We could spot her dashing to us from across the room and about to take the bottle off him and ‘offered’ to feed him.  We both said in unison, rather loudly, “No thanks!”

Back off lady! Your screaming ovaries are frightening my child.  Don’t go touching babies without permission.

 

Good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments

Most days are good, others are a challenge.

There are good moments and there are bad ones.

Right now, it’s one of those bad moments.

I feel like a failure with this motherhood gig.

It is hard for me to say I ‘gave birth’ to him when I, well, didn’t in the ‘natural’ sense.

I fall apart inside whenever women go on about their perfect pregnancy and perfect natural birth (‘drugs free’, they always have to emphasise).  No one seems to hear about stressful pregnancy and imperfect being cut opened birth.

When I have a moment to myself, these thoughts come to my head, recalling all that went on with the birth of my baby.

 

None of it was perfect.  I felt I had to fight all the way through.  In the end I was forced to be induced and that led to an emergency C-section, followed by a traumatic postnatal experience.

I feel I’ve failed him by not being able to give birth to him ‘naturally’.

I feel I’ve failed him when they took him away to the nursery and kept him away from me. I am still angry I wasn’t strong enough to say no and that he should stay with me at all times.

I feel I’ve failed him by not being able to breastfeed him all the time for at least a year.  Our times have to be juggled with me expressing milk whenever and however much I can.  It is stressful.  Stressful as I worry I can’t express enough to meet his feeding demands.  It also takes a lot of time as rather than feeding him directly, I am expressing into bottles then feeding him. I feel like I am constantly trying to beat the clock.

Sometimes he screams and I don’t know what was wrong and what I could do to help him.  He’s still waking up through the night and screams.  This frightens me.  Doctor Google is a bad doctor.  A google search shows up search results that made me feel worse and fearful.

I just hold him close and tell him everything is alright.  Sometimes I just sob coz I just don’t know what to do.

Mostly I just cuddle him and tell him I love him.

Motherhood

I love being my lil boy’s mommy.

Even when we go through nights or even days when he screams and fusses, I just look at his lil face and my heart melts.  He screams and fusses not to frustrate us, it’s because he’s frustrated and this is his way of letting us know.

He’s been waking up every 2 hours for the past couple of nights.  It has been painful and I am currently rather broken.  We just don’t know what it is anymore.  Hunger? Tummy pains? Teething pain?  Discomfort from the jabs?  So we’ve been up all night looking after him.  Even amongst all the tears and discomfort, sometimes he’d look at me and give me a smile.  This melts my heart.

I Skyped with my big sister in LV yesterday. She had a bad day but we can always just chat. I told her I still can’t believe I am a mother.  I never thought I would be one but she always believe I’d be.

“I always knew you’d be a good mommy.  You always look after the people you care about.  You’ve always been a mother and sister to me.”

I laughed.  Looking after grown adults and a lil baby are vastly different.

My lil boy takes up pretty much 100% of my energy, time, attention, mind, love, well pretty much almost everything.  I just look at him and have so much love for him.  Even when we’ve been up almost all night and I’m look like a panda zombie.  I’d cuddle him and everything is ok.

I keep telling my partner not to wish the time away.  Don’t keep looking forward to the next stage and not cherishing the current.  Before you know it, the time is gone and you can never get it back.  I regret not taking as many photos as I could when he was a tiny newborn.  The first 4 weeks was a blur.  I don’t even remember much about him being a tiny baby.  I don’t even remember the new baby smell that everyone talks about.  The initial weeks were a lot of sleepless nights and figuring out what the baby wanted.  To throw into the mix, I was still in a lot of pain.

I love simply cuddling him.  Or sitting next to him while he sleeps.  Or just staring into his big smiling eyes.  Simply being with him and enjoy being with him.  He’s growing up very fast.  When he feels unsettled at times, he likes to give me a koala cuddle and put himself to sleep this way.  I love it.  I don’t care what other people say that this should not be allowed as it’ll give the baby a bad sleeping habit.  We had a lot of bonding time taken away from us at the beginning.  I can never get those time back.  But I can cherish all the time we have every single second, every single minute, every single hour, every single day.

Cherish every single moment.