I had a panic attack in the car the other day. This wasn’t the first time.
It was from recalling how I felt when the hospital took him away to the nursery and also the midwife who was looking after him kissing him in the face.
The image of the midwife kissing my newborn kept playing in my head. Over and over again. The same midwife who wouldn’t let me breastfeed my newborn and wouldn’t feed him the colostrum I’d expressed.
I kept recalling the fear of having him taken away when I was sleeping.
Both these incidents kept replaying.
5 months down the track, I feel a certain disconnect from my baby. I love him with all my heart but somehow I feel not as bonded with him as I should be.
The combination of not being able to birth him naturally and not able to breastfeed may be contributing to the way I feel. I feel he is more bonded with his daddy than with me. I feel like nothing more than an incubator and a nanny.
I feel sad and broken.