For the second time since leaving the hospital, I ventured out on my own. Not just another outing with my partner and my precious boy.
The first time was for a mere hour when I went to get a hair cut. Just on the weekend, I went out for 5 hours. I gave myself a time limit and told myself I wouldn’t go home until the time was up. I made it! I went out and aimlessly walked around, looked at shops, had a coffee. I almost cried as I ventured out. My heart was pounding so hard, it almost jumped out of my body.
I know it sound very strange but it is a very big achievement for me to be able to go out and do things on my own away from my lil boy. We’ve been stuck to each other. I love him dearly but it got to the point where I was frustrated and scared. I didn’t want to be away from him for any amount of time. I know exactly why this is so. When we were in the hospital, they took him away from me while I was sleeping. 8 hours after he was born. I’ve been badly scarred from that ever since. It was a horrible experience. It should not have had happened. It was irresponsible of the hospital. Not only to have taken him away from my room while I was asleep, they could not, would not explain to me what was wrong with him. To this day, I still don’t know why they did that. Why it was necessary for them to do that. It was horrible. It was frightening for a first time mom who already had a bad birth experience.
My partner is encouraging me to go and do things on my own and this in a way also allows him to spend one on one time with our lil boy. So I have overcome the first obstacle of venturing out on my own but I will have to see if this will happen on a regular basis. I know I need to do this for everyone’s sake. I can’t just stay home with him all the time. I have to make time to go do things for myself. Or so I tell myself.
Another breakthrough is he’s been trying to put himself to sleep. He’s really been trying to do this by himself. Sometimes he’s able to, sometimes he can’t and get frustrated. So he asks me to help him by rocking him to sleep. I don’t mind rocking him to sleep. I know this shocks a lot of people who have sleep-trained their babies or have very independent babies who go to sleep by themselves. I am happy to rock my baby to sleep. This is not forever. He’s already growing up very fast. I feel a tightness in my chest that I can’t catch up. He’s growing up. My lil boy is growing up.