Will I ever recover?

I don’t take it for granted that I am so very fortunate to be a mother.  I never thought I would and could love someone so much.  The love I have for my son is different to the love I have for anyone else ever.  I am so thankful to be his mother.

However I also know that my mental health has had taken a beating.  Physically and mentally, I am still trying to recover.  I didn’t have a good experience in the hospital and to this day I am still traumatised by it.  The hospital’s interest is in the delivery of the baby and they have no interest in the mother’s welfare.

“We’ve taken the baby out of you, it is alive, you’re on your own now lady!”.

Well, pretty much.

On very difficult days or nights, they remind me of what a failure I am.  I wanted the best for my child but can’t help being angry about what happened at the hospital.  I failed to birth naturally.  I failed to breastfeed.  I failed to protect him at the hospital.  I should’ve been stronger and demanded he be returned to me when they took him away to the nursery.  The sight of him barely a day old hooked up to tubes and being fasted still haunt me.  I’m afraid the hospital experience has scarred me, possibly for life.

I have a very energetic high needs child who is currently also very clingy.  His clinginess, I guess is also part of his natural development of curiosity wanting to know what’s going on all the time.  I love him.  I love that he is so observant that he picks up how to do things very quickly.  The thing with learning and development is he also has difficulties with sleep at night.  I am so proud of him though.  I am grateful of being his mother.  However, I do know there will be many more parenthood challenges to come.  I am bracing myself for them.

 

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